What To Do When Friends Let You Down Repeatedly

[Updated 23/9/22]

Do your friends disappoint you? Do they break their promise? Betray your expectations? Talk shit behind your back? Miss your events without notice? Make you look bad? When friends let you down too much, learn why it happens, and what to do about it

When Friends Disappoint

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Hey Gamster, what’s going on? Why are you pulling at the grass?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Yeah, what did the grass ever do to you? Also whose grass is it? Ask the important questions this newsday

(⌐O_O)
Sorry guys, I’m just pissed – I invited my friends to the movies, and it was an absolute disaster

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
How so?

(⌐O_O)
So about half of them didn’t reply – and the half that did, I had to really chase them up to see when they were free, and if the time and place suited them

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Ok, that’s not the best

(⌐O_O)
And on the day, some ppl straight up didn’t show up, and I couldn’t reach them – and most of those who did show up got lost, which threw the dinner plans off, as I had to go look for them, and we were nearly late for the movie, and got stuck with bad seats

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Erm, did you at least enjoy the company though?

(⌐O_O)
Well, what little time we had to hang out before and after the movie, no one really talked, and everyone was just on their phones, and I had to struggle to make conversation

(^ΦдΦ^)
At least there was no whistling

(⌐O_O)
Actually

(^ΦдΦ^)
Oh god

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Damn – sorry to hear that, are your friends usually alright?

(⌐O_O)
What do you mean?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Like, do you see them much? Do you like hanging out with them?

(⌐O_O)
Well, I barely see them – they don’t really invite me to stuff – I usually have to make the effort

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And what do you guys talk about?

(⌐O_O)
Half of the time it’s them looking bored or not engaging, and me trying to jump start the conversation. When we finally get onto a topic that interests them, they usually just complain or brag about their stuff

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Do you get to talk at all?

(⌐O_O)
I do when starting the conversations – then it’s just them all the way

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
What happens when you try to chat more

(⌐O_O)
They usually just turn the topic back on them, or they go quiet again – and I have to jump-start the convo again

(^ΦдΦ^)
Man, your friends suck dirty ass

(⌐O_O)
I feel like I should be offended, or should defend them – but yeah, I guess you’re right

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
You know what? Let’s go over the other examples of how your friends may be letting you down, why it happens, and the most effective way to deal with it

This Ain’t Your Typical Feel-good Wholesome Content

(⌐O_O)
By the way, there are a lot of posts out there about disappointing friends already

(^ΦдΦ^)
That’s true, but this isn’t just another one of those politically-correct, heart-warming, Reddit-bait posts that tell you to find it within you to keep taking their bad behaviour up the ass

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
No – we won’t do you like that

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or rather, we won’t let them do you like that

(⌐O_O)
(Um, ew)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(Bad Behaviour could actually be a nickname for one’s wee-wee)

(^ΦдΦ^)
And we won’t give you generic conflict resolution and negotiation tips and tell you to try to work it out with them

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
No – cos chances are, you’ve already tried that, and it doesn’t work, and they’ve let you down multiple times already…

(^ΦдΦ^)
Hence the “Repeatedly” in the name of the post

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And we’ll teach you the best way to move forward – whether you want to get even, get them out of your life (but you still want to have friends), or get a way better social life (and life in general)

(⌐O_O)
Sounds good

(^ΦдΦ^)
Hit it

Examples Of Friends Letting You Down Repeatedly

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Ok, the story that you shared, is a great example, and one that a lot of ppl can probably relate to

(^ΦдΦ^)
However, there are a lot of other bullshit ways in which your friends can let you down

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
We’ll go through them, so you can see if anything else applies to you

(^ΦдΦ^)
And because there are potentially countless ways in which friends can be disappointing shits, we’ll divide things up into categories

When Friends Disappoint: They Have No Social Boundaries

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
When friends let you down, a lot of the times they don’t have healthy boundaries

What Are Social Boundaries?

(⌐O_O)
What’s meant by boundaries?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Like as in, everyone has their own time and effort and other resources; and that what’s theirs is theirs, and what’s yours is yours; and that access to another person’s resources is a privilege that’s granted, not a right that’s expected – and definitely not just yours for the taking

(^ΦдΦ^)
If someone lacks boundaries, they don’t have a concept of the above, meaning that they’re likely to disrespect your resources

Example: Your Money Is Theirs

(⌐O_O)
What are some examples?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
For example, they disregard financial boundaries, and ask to borrow money

(^ΦдΦ^)
And we’re not talking once in a while – we’re talking:

• Your friend treating you like an ATM or credit card
• You needing to keep a running tab of how much they owe you, because the amount is going up without getting paid off
• You getting the feeling that they don’t really like you, that they only hang out with you because they can most easily get you to pay for stuff
• They seem perfectly as ease asking you to cover them, like it was what you were put on this earth to do

Example: Your Girl Is Theirs

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they ignore boundaries of social relationships – if you’re dating or in a romantic relationship or married, they hit on your partner

(^ΦдΦ^)
And it’s not like the light flirty jokes that friends of the opposite sex sometimes make, and aren’t supposed to go anywhere

(⌐O_O)
It’s not?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Nope, you can feel like they are fully putting the moves on, and is actively trying to push things forward, like seeking her out to chat to, touching her in man-to-woman ways, or asking for her number, or sending flirty messages [( ﾟ∀ﾟ) or dick pics], or inviting her to hang out one-on-one

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
The advanced version of this issue, is if your partner cheats on you with your friend – which could be more than a tad disappointing [(⌐O_O) You don’t say]

Example: Your Time Is Theirs

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they disrespect your time, and when you’re with them, all they do is complain, or talk about what interests them

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or when you’re meeting, they make you wait for them

(⌐O_O)
How is that related to not having boundaries?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Cos they’re putting themselves first: Them not wanting to waste time waiting for others; them leaving when it’s most convenient for them; them not bothering to set alarms to be on time, or check how long travel takes, or what the directions are, and so on…

Example: Your Secrets Are Theirs

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or if you make the mistake of telling them secrets, you later learn that they blabbed in casual convo

(^ΦдΦ^)
And if you confront them about it, they’re likely to not feel anything is wrong – because not getting how boundaries work, naturally applies to secrets – which are boundaries for information

Example: All Your Bases

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they treat your other resources like it’s theirs

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like without you inviting them or them giving notice, they can come to your house, or eat your food, or use your car, or use your pad to throw parties or hook up, and so on

(⌐O_O)
I don’t know why, but all of this makes my blood boil

(^ΦдΦ^)
Well, it should – friendship is a back-and-forth, a give-and-take, a two-way street; it’s not unconditional giving giving giving, or taking taking taking: You’re not a charity that gets kick-backs from the government, and if you’re not into being exploited, you naturally won’t stand for one-way relationships

When Friends Disappoint: They Have No Integrity

(^ΦдΦ^)
My turn: When friends disappoint you, a lot of the time, they have little to no integrity

What Is Integrity?

(⌐O_O)
Ok again, can you define what you mean?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Ok sure – let’s talk about principles first, which are virtues and standards that ppl live by – things like honesty, self-discipline, generosity, reliability, helpfulness, and so on

(^ΦдΦ^)
When someone holds themselves to a high standard, they become more effective in reaching their goals, and ppl respect and value them a lot more

(⌐O_O)
Got it – and what does this have to do with integrity?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Well, if someone has a lot of integrity…

(^ΦдΦ^)
AKA if they’re described as “solid”

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
…it means that they have strong principles, and they back it up consistently with their actions and decisions

What Is Having No Integrity?

(⌐O_O)
Ok, so how does this relate to friends disappointing you?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Oh it relates big-time: When someone who doesn’t put any rules or expectations on themselves, their behaviours and decisions depend on their emotions and circumstances

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And since emotions change all the time, and circumstances are never fully within one’s control, they change their actions and their minds all the time

(^ΦдΦ^)
And as you can probably appreciate, this doesn’t help to build habits and make solid progress, so they won’t have that much success in reaching their goals

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And also, their unreliability puts a limit on how much ppl can trust or respect them

(⌐O_O)
Goddamn, sounds like having no integrity makes for a sucky life

(^ΦдΦ^)
It also makes for a sucky friend

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep, when your friends have little to no integrity, is when your friends let you down: 

Example: Fight To Get Your Stuff Returned

(^ΦдΦ^)
When they borrow money or stuff from you, they take forever to return it

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep – this can be due to them being ineffective at life, and not having a job, or spending their money as fast as it comes in; or them not valuing their word or their reputation with their friends

(⌐O_O)
I’d feel disappointed in them even as their parent – let alone as their friend

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And worse, when you finally lose the patience and goodwill and ask for it back, they’ll make it seem like that it’s YOUR problem that you want it back

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like “Why can’t you just be chill, bro?”

(⌐O_O)
Why would they act that way?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Cos they’ll equate them needing it more than you, with them having more right to it than you – for as long as they need it

(^ΦдΦ^)
That’s also how criminals justify stealing – like “they won’t miss that” or “it’s a corporation so it’s a victimless crime”

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And since they have no concrete goals for improving their predicament – or the habits and discipline to achieve it, the length of time is indefinite

(⌐O_O)
So they want to keep the resource, AND the moral high-ground, based on how much they suck?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Well, based on how much their life sucks – but that’s due to them not taking responsibility and making the hard choices to turn their life around. So yeah, based on how much they suck

(⌐O_O)
Fuck that

(^ΦдΦ^)
I know right

Broken Promises & Dreams

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
One thing that disappointing friends have trouble with, is keeping promises

Example: Dude, Where’s My Ride?

(^ΦдΦ^)
So if they agree to drive you to the airport, you’ll probably get cancelled on, and have to front the cost of the 40-minute Uber ride

Example: I’m Sure They Were Alive When I Saw Them Last

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or if you ask them to take care of your pet or plants… you might come back and find them malnourished – and that’s IF you get back in time

(^ΦдΦ^)
And to add insult to injury, you might not even know they broke their promise: They might become unavailable and not bother to tell you, or forget about both the errand and the responsibility of telling you

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And this can happen at any time

Example: Oh, Was That Required?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or you ask them to bring some ingredients for baking, or a dish for potluck, or some drinks for a hang-out…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or you ask them to dress up for a themed event 

(^ΦдΦ^)
…And they just… don’t 

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And you end up having to:

• Go AWOL from your own event 
  • To do an emergency shopping trip
• Embarrass yourself at you own event
  • The less your attendees follow the event instructions, the less respect your attendees seem to have for you, and the less competence and control you seem to have as an event organiser
• Embarrass yourself at other ppl’s event 
  • Cos the actions of your +1 reflects on you
• Miss the start time 
  • E.g. dinner time, kick-off, grand entrance

Example: Too Cool To Be On-Time / On-Site

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or you invite them to something, and they’re late or absent, and don’t tell you in advance

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they get lost

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Worse, sometimes they’re indignant about it – like they’ll say that they are so time-efficient that they aim to arrive or leave right on time

(⌐O_O)
(What are they? Gandalf?)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(Whiterose, actually – in their dreams)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
But as you’ll learn from organising events: If you don’t factor in time to be late, then you’ll most likely be late

(^ΦдΦ^)
And these friends never learn, so they’ll keep letting you down

Barely Functional Human Beings

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Friends who let you down are likely to be low-functioning ppl – meaning that they can’t stick to jobs, relationships, education, diets, workout routines, or mastery over anything

(^ΦдΦ^)
They also tend to have coping mechanisms which are easy, and don’t get them anywhere in life: Like comfort-eating, video games, retail therapy, substance abuse, social withdrawal, acting out their emotions, and so on

(⌐O_O)
How would these habits lead to these friends letting me down?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Due of the knock-on effects of these habits

Example: No Money, Gotta Cancel

(^ΦдΦ^)
You invite your friend to something, and they say yes, so you make the arrangements

(⌐O_O)
Sounds good

(^ΦдΦ^)
Then they blow their whole paycheck in a night with rounds of drinks, and cancel on you last minute

(⌐O_O)
Sounds not good

Example: No Money, Lend Me Some… For Non-Essentials

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they put too many on-sale items on credit, and now most of their welfare payment goes to servicing their debt, and they ask you to spot them money for petrol, or ciggies, or a bottle of water

(⌐O_O)
Bottle of water? Shouldn’t they be BYO-ing if they’re in debt?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Hey, if you’re angry about this, imagine being the friend getting asked for money for this dumb purchase

(⌐O_O)
I mean, at least they didn’t get a coke instead

(^ΦдΦ^)
If you’re generous enough to lend- I mean GIVE them $10…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(Cos who are we kidding – you ain’t getting it back)

(^ΦдΦ^)
…They’ll probably get a water and a coke and a packet of chips

(⌐O_O)
I need to punch something

(^ΦдΦ^)
I think you need to punch someone

(⌐O_O)
Yeah, my imaginary dead-shit friend

Example: Addicts Need Money, Man

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Moving on… if your friend is a junkie, there’ll be a lot more borrowing of money involved – and don’t expect to see that money anytime soon

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or if you don’t lend them money, don’t be surprised to notice your stuff going missing, then ending up at the local pawn shop

Example: Addicts Aren’t Mentally Stable, Man

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
With junkie friends, there’s also dealing with hijinks when they’re under the influence, or meltdowns when they’re withdrawing

(^ΦдΦ^)
And you also get the let-down merry-go-round of holding interventions for them -> dragging them to rehab -> watch them relapse – until you stop making the effort, but it’s still a disappointment every time you watch them circle back to square 1

Example: It’s A Real Soap Drama!

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Remember the part about these types of ppl having weak or no principles?

(^ΦдΦ^)
It means they’re not above gossiping, spilling secrets, and talking shit, in order to fit in, impress, or get leverage over their friends

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And when you’re find out that you’re not immune to the Mean Girls treatment, get ready for Disappoint Central

(^ΦдΦ^)
Also, if they don’t exercise self-control (or have any), they can say or do hurtful things when emotional – and they can apologise and try to make up for it afterwards, but don’t pretend that they can just walk back the damage

(⌐O_O)
Nothing is ever the same after

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
That’s dramatic

Example: An Embarrassment To Your Better Future

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or if your friend is morbidly out of shape, poorly dressed, and has shitty social skills, you’re gonna be embarrassed bringing them anywhere that matters – like anywhere your crush is going to be at, any high-end events, or to your girlfriend

(⌐O_O)
I feel like I would be – why is that though?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Basically, the people that you associate with, reflect off on you: The more cool, attractive, and successful they are, the more highly you’ll also be viewed – because you must have something going for you if you can kick it with them, or for them to want to hang with you

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
In contrast, if the company you keep have nothing going for them, ppl will judge you negatively, as they’ll either question your standards and therefore your judgement, or they’ll judge that this is the best you can do in your social life, and extrapolate that to your life in general

(⌐O_O)
So, my friends being low-value, makes me look low-value?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Exactly – and if you think of guys who have money and success and good personality, doing poorly with girls, you can appreciate that perception matters in the real world

Example: An Impediment To Your Better Future

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And if you have any ambitions of improving yourself, having deadbeat friends don’t help too

(⌐O_O)
How so?

(^ΦдΦ^)
You’ll either feel too comfortable around them to bother levelling up, or you’ll feel peer pressure to not step up – or they’ll straight up give you shit for over-reaching

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
You’d think that your friends want the best for you – but to those who aren’t on the war-path, you striving for more in life is a direct threat to their ego – so expect to be disappointed by your friends not supporting you, or pulling you down

When Friends Disappoint: You Are Not A Priority To Them

(⌐O_O)
So, are there any other circumstances when friends disappoint?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Sure – we’re mostly been talking about friends with personality or mental deficits derping their derp and fucking your shit up in the process

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
But friends can let you down even when they’re completely normal ppl – in fact, they could even be high-status ppl

(⌐O_O)
Then how could they disappoint me?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Easy – they don’t prioritise you

(^ΦдΦ^)
(And hey, don’t just put high-value people on pedestals – they’re people too)

Example: Who Else Is Coming?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Hey Gamster, have you ever invited someone to an event, and they ask who’s coming?

(⌐O_O)
Yeah – that’s always peeved me off

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
That’s cos the question communicates a clear subtext – that your attendance isn’t enough to convince them to go

(⌐O_O)
Does that mean that they’ll never hang with me one-on-one?

(^ΦдΦ^)
Why don’t you try asking next time?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Don’t Snarksy – there are fabrics of reality that no man is supposed to look behind 

(⌐O_O)
My body isn’t ready?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Jokes aside, you should get used to rejection: Most ppl are too scared to shoot their shot, so they don’t get anywhere socially

(⌐O_O)
What if they’re just trying to avoid people who they don’t want to see, like their ex or frienemy and stuff?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
If there’s that much politics in your group, then it should be apparent who they’re trying to avoid – you can even tell them before they ask, or they may let you know; so in these cases, them asking who’s coming shouldn’t be a source of repeated disappointment

Example: Sorry Can’t Make It Bye

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
When someone cancels on you, and it’s not due to an emergency, they can apologise till the cows come home…

(^ΦдΦ^)
And they probably won’t even do that

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
…And you will never feel 100% ok about it – because deep down, you know they accepted an offer that was better than yours

(^ΦдΦ^)
And not to make you sadder or anything, but the knock-on logic is that your presence is not enough for them to honour their original RSVP

Example: Left On Read, Or Left For Dead?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
There are friends, with whom having a interaction by IM is like pulling teeth: Like they will leave you on read if you say something, send a GIF, invite them to something, try to confirm their RSVP, and so on

(^ΦдΦ^)
The practical implication of that, is of course disappointment

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep: You could need to ask the friend for a timely favour or advice, and they don’t get back to you

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or you need to account for their processing time, and contact them several business days in advance – because who the fuck do they think they are?

(⌐O_O)
(That’s like setting my alarm early so I get to sleep in)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(That’s a nice life-hack / forbidden technique – though it’s more like having to give certain friends significantly earlier meeting times, cos you know in your heart of hearts that they can be relied upon to be super-late)

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or you’re taking the initiative and organising something awesome, and your enthusiasm and altruism is thrown in your face by them not giving you a clear RSVP

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Unconfirmed RSVPs actually also increase your work as well

(⌐O_O)
Oh really?

(^ΦдΦ^)
For sure, since you have to chase after them for RSVPs like a little bitch, you can’t confirm table numbers, you can’t fill those spots and can’t invite ppl they don’t like in case they come, and you have to deal with awkwardness and logistical nightmares if they show up without RSVPing

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(There’s a way to avoid all of the above, by the way, which we can cover in the future – if you’d like to learn more, let us know in the comments or on Facebook)

(^ΦдΦ^)
And if enough of your friends leave you on Read, the whole event may simply die in the womb

(⌐O_O)
(Whose womb?)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(Why, your womb)

(⌐O_O)
Or you could just be touching base and keeping the friendship active, and they just don’t seem to appreciate the effort

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
This guy gets it

(^ΦдΦ^)
Now sure, they could be busy at the time, or busy all the time – but there is no denying that there are people in their lives for whom they would reply promptly to messages – and the fact that you are nowhere near that person to them…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(In a way that belittles your time and effort trying to maintain that friendship, mind you)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(Abso-fucking-lutely) …should give you space for pause to consider your friendship

Reasons Why Your Friends Are A Disappointment

(⌐O_O)
So, why do I have these disappointing friends?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Well, the above categories already give some reasons: The friends have no concept of boundaries – so they keep trespassing on your boundaries

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they’re soft and decadent like great ice cream…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(Snarksy! That’s delicious!)

(^ΦдΦ^)
…And don’t have their shit together, and thus you get to deal with their shit

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or, they simply don’t value you that much as a friend

(⌐O_O)
That hurts

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Life hurts

(^ΦдΦ^)
Everybody hurts

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Apart from these, other reasons explain when friends let you down

You Don’t Feel You Deserve Better 

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Gamster, have you seen your friends who have partners who treat them like shit? 

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like openly humiliate them, spend their money like it’s toilet paper, to withhold kindness and affection and sex as leverage, and even engage in physical and sexual violence

(⌐O_O)
Unfortunately, yes I have

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Now, not commenting on the attractiveness or full-package-ness of those friends – do you think they could totally do better than a totally toxic partner?

(⌐O_O)
I mean, totally

(^ΦдΦ^)
Then why do you think they stay in those bullshit relationships?

(⌐O_O)
Actually yeah, that doesn’t quite make sense

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Actually, it makes perfect sense, if they don’t feel like they deserve to be treated better

(^ΦдΦ^)
Likewise, if you don’t feel you deserve to be treated better by your friends, you won’t look for friends who treat you better

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And in life, you get what you ask for – so if you don’t ask for better, you end up with the hodge-podge of social mediocrity that you call friends

You Don’t Feel You Can Do Better 

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Of course, it’s one thing to want better friends, and another thing to get better friends

(⌐O_O)
What do you mean?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Most ppl inherit their friends: It’s either from class, or from work, or friends of friends; and when they go to social events, they stick to themselves, or to the ppl that they know already

(^ΦдΦ^)
In other words, they don’t know how to make friends from scratch, or that you can actually do so

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And if you don’t think you can make more friends, you’re going to hang on to the ones you have, even when they don’t deserve your loyalty

Incompatible With Desired Friendship Role

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Gams, if you gave an outdoorsy adreneline-junkie an office job, or made a socially-anxious homebody into a club promoter, what do you think would happen?

(⌐O_O)
They’d be unhappy, and do a bad job?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Exactly, and why is that?

(⌐O_O)
Because they’re not suited to the job?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
That’s right – and this also happens with friendships: When friends disappoint, a lot of times it’s cos they’re not right for the type of friendship you’re looking for, or no longer right for it

(^ΦдΦ^)
For example, you become friends with a classmate by virtue of being in the same class over multiple years – and you wonder why they never come out when it’s more than just the two of you. They might have social anxiety and trust issues, and hate meeting new people – and if you try to invite them anywhere that expects socialising, you are asking for disappointment from your friend

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or say that your going-out friend gets a mortgage, gets promoted with a lot more overtime and responsibilities, gets pregnant, has kids or dependents to care for… it shouldn’t be a surprise that they can no longer be an all-the-time-friend, and maybe can be a sometime-friend at best, and more likely a once-in-a-blue-moon friend

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or it’s like trying to invite your friend who’s always dieting, out to food or dessert

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or trying to get your chatty friend to listen when you’ve had a rough day at work

(⌐O_O)
Ok, so some ppl are just not suited to the friendship that you’re looking for

Friend In Different Phase

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
There are different phases in life – some of those are more suited to friendships, such as during school, university, and early career

(^ΦдΦ^)
When you get out of these phases, and ppl become focused on their careers, romantic relationships, kids, families, ageing parents, and so on – friendship is naturally going to take a back-seat

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
This is the case even within the year – like for students during exam season, accountants during tax season, lawyers during a big case, healthcare workers during a pandemic, hospitality and retail workers during holidays, and so on

(⌐O_O)
So if the time’s not right, the friend won’t have time for you, even if they wanted to

Friend Has Maladaptive Traits

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
This one is like having no boundaries or integrity – which is that your disappointing friends have qualities which don’t help them

(⌐O_O)
That doesn’t sound good – what are some examples?

Bad Quality: Victim Mentality

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Firstly, victim mentality – for example, if they’re late…

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they lose something you lend them…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they run out of money to attend your event…

(^ΦдΦ^)
Be prepared to cop an earful of them blaming anything and everything but themselves

Bad Quality: Entitlement Complex

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or your disappointing friend could have entitlement complex

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like they feel perfectly ok to call you up when you’re busy and complain about their life to you for hours

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or ask you for random favours late at night, when it can wait till morning

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or that because it’s their birthday – that all you pleb friends need to one-up each other giving them gifts more expensive and impressive than the last

Bad Quality: Narcissism

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or the friend could have narcissism, where they need you to constantly tell them how great or right they are

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they ditch you for higher-status friends or events

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they manipulate you to get what they want

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they fuck up ppl’s successes and relationships because they’re jealous…

Bad Quality: Taker Personality

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or the let-down of a friend could have the Taker personality

(^ΦдΦ^)
Where they take way more food and drink than they can finish

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they always ask for favours and never offer any

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they are way too pedantic when it comes to people paying them back – but are laid-back AF when paying others back

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they are stingy about lending anything out – for no good reason: Like they’re not using it, it’s not that expensive, it doesn’t have a lot of personal meaning to them, etc.

(^ΦдΦ^)
Basically, they treat all of their relationships as if it’s short-term, where if someone owes you something, then you lose, because you’ll never see them again

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
But that’s not how friendships work – which is why the Taker personality is so grating in long-term relationships, as there is no room for trust and goodwill to build up through the act of owing favours and resources

Bad Quality: Emotional Instability

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)

Or the friend could have emotional instability

(^ΦдΦ^)
Where they’ll lash out at you, then blame you, then apologise, then think everything’s fine, then repeat this abuse later when they can’t control themselves

(⌐O_O)
Isn’t that how domestic abuse works

(^ΦдΦ^)
An astute observation – try not to get into a relationship with these types of ppl, ok?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they key your car cos you didn’t say hi back

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they self-harm or do drugs to feel better – or just to feel alive

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they regularly fall off the face of the earth cos they just can’t anymore

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they do dumb shit because someone dared them or pushed their buttons…

Bad Quality: Missing Key Firmware In Their Brain

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or they’re missing key parts of the logic about how socialising works

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like if they keep letting ppl down… those ppl will eventually leave

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or that you can’t expect to always take and never give in long-term relationships

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or that your friends becoming more high-status makes it easier for you to become high-status – so they should support their friends for stepping up in order to maintain relationships and build loyalty

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or that putting ppl down doesn’t build sustainable friendships

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or that if there’s something wrong with you (e.g. anger issues, addiction, abusive behaviour, manipulative tendencies), that the burden is on you to change, not on your friends to accept you unconditionally and tolerate your bullshit indefinitely

(⌐O_O)
Man, this is some scary shit

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Tell me about it – and some ppl are the friends of these ppl – are you one of those poor souls?

Solution: Social Retail Therapy

(⌐O_O)
Ok, so what should I do when friends let me down repeatedly?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Simple – get new friends

(^ΦдΦ^)
Social retail therapy

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
It’s the only truly beneficial form of consumerism

(⌐O_O)
Wait but

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Let’s go over the reasons

Understand That What Your Friends Have Are Excuses 

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
If you read other posts on what to do when friends let you down, you’ll see them recommending for you to understand your friend’s situation and thoughts and feelings and all that good stuff – and you’ve probably tried doing that already

(^ΦдΦ^)
Thing is, we’re talking about friends who disappoint you repeatedly – if they do it once, they might have a reason; if they do it repeatedly, all they’ve got are bullshit excuses that deserve to die

(⌐O_O)
(Are you in middle school)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(Their excuses are in middle school)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And you can understand someone’s excuses and accept them till the cows come home, and it’s not going to change the fact that, if you keep hanging out with them, they’ll keep letting you down

(⌐O_O)
Yeah… a leopard won’t change its spots

You Define What You Get

(⌐O_O)
But what if I don’t feel like I deserve better friends

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
This is quite common actually – like you see super-popular or -competent ppl making all the money, or getting all the girls, or living the good life, and judge that you’re not on that level, and therefore you don’t deserve those results – including having better friends

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or you see scummy ppl getting the results, and reason that you don’t deserve success, because you refuse to stoop to those levels

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
The truth is that perfect-seeming ppl don’t have a secret sauce that gets them success – results come from deliberate and sustained action

(^ΦдΦ^)
And also, the way that scummy ppl get to success isn’t the only way – results are possible through both good and bad ways

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
The point is, don’t be limited by what you think you can or can’t do, or should or shouldn’t do – if you want something, then make it a goal, and go about making it possible – including the goal of having better friends

You End Up With What You Put Up With

(⌐O_O)
I mean, I tried to get new friends already – but disappointing people just seems like the type of friends I wind up with

(^ΦдΦ^)
Ok, let’s go through a bit of economics which applies to social relationships

(⌐O_O)
Let’s go

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
In freelancing, there is an interesting phenomenon, whereby as you raise your prices, your clients become easier to work with

(⌐O_O)
Huh, how does that work?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
When you try to compete by charging rock-bottom prices, you attract the wrong type of clients

(^ΦдΦ^)
Like, the type who constantly push what they can get away with – haggling for lower prices, or negotiating more stuff for the same price, or paying you as late as possible…

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or the type which barely have enough money to do business with you – and you need to justify to them for every dollar you’re charging them, you need to constantly chase them up to sign on with you

(⌐O_O)
And how come these clients do those poor behaviour?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Cos ppl will always sink to the level that they can get away with – and you competing on price is a sign of scarcity, that you don’t have a lot of customers, or not a lot that stick around – and so your customers know that they can push the envelope, and be confident that you’ll still bother to engage at their level, or work to maintain the relationship

(^ΦдΦ^)
When you raise your price, assuming you provide value for what you charge, those lower-quality clients will drop away

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And you’re left with those clients who are doing well – who can pay the price you ask, and pay it on time or early, because they know how to do business effectively

(^ΦдΦ^)
And clients who are fans of your work – and are happy to pay what you ask, don’t question all of your suggestions, and don’t threaten to leave just to save a buck or get what they want

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Likewise for socialising, if you cheapen the product that is your friendship, by accepting lower-quality friends, you’ll have to tolerate lower-quality behaviour, and a lower-quality lifestyle

(^ΦдΦ^)
And as you raise the value of your friendship (by gaining attractiveness, success, money, connections, and other resources), and raise the price in the form of your standards for friends, your new friends will become less and less disappointing, and start becoming more and more impressive

(⌐O_O)
Why does it sound like there are phases to your proposed friendship?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
There certainly is – and when friends let you down repeatedly, it’s up to trade upwards

You Don’t Have To Be That Friend

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Remember that we talked about friends being disappointing cos they’re ill-suited to the type of friendship you’re looking for?

(^ΦдΦ^)
The opposite is true as well – YOU could be ill-suited to the type of friendship they need or want

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
For example, they may need a friend to support them while they get off drugs, or cope with chronic illness, or work on their mental health issues, or get over (and away from) a toxic ex, or battle cancer, or deal with family tragedy

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or they may want a friend who pays for everything, listens for hours on end, and is at their every beck and call

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And it’s their right to look for it, and it’s your right to go somewhere where they’re not around

(^ΦдΦ^)
Yep: If you’re not a bleeding heart, and being a sub isn’t your sexual fetish, then you’re likely not suitable for the friendship they need or want – and you don’t need to be a martyr

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep – Jesus died on the cross, so you don’t have to

You *Can* Choose Your Friends

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
As much as Dom from Fast & Furious tries to conflate family and friends, the two are very different: You can’t choose your family, and you need to love and accept them, warts and all, and if you don’t, you need to work it out with them. 

(^ΦдΦ^)
And if you’re family by marriage – then you’re still obligated to working things out – otherwise you get the pleasure of splitting your assets, and your kids get the privilege of seeing one of their parents once in a while

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
With friends, this isn’t the case: You can try to work things out with them if you want – but you absolutely have no biological or legal obligation to do so

(^ΦдΦ^)
Yep – you don’t owe them shit to continue hanging out

They’re Not Going To Change

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Gams, have you made New Year’s resolutions before?

(⌐O_O)
Yeah, things like eat less sweets, do more exercise, learn a music instrument, learn a new language

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep, and have you stuck to any of those resolutions?

(⌐O_O)
Um… no

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And you chose those goals yourself, and you were motivated, right?

(⌐O_O)
Yes and yes – but it’s hard, man!

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Exactly – now imagine how much harder it’ll be to get someone else to change, when they didn’t choose those goals, and probably aren’t motivated by them

(⌐O_O)
Holy shit

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep – I say this with a heavy heart, but ppl’s bad habits and unconstructive personality traits have been decades in the making, and chances are, you won’t change your friends’ disappointing behaviours

(^ΦдΦ^)
It’s already impossible enough to try to change your family or partner – it’s simply not worth it trying to change your friends: It’s about as wise as having to care for your own babies, and choosing to work at a daycare too

(⌐O_O)
What if I like kids?

(^ΦдΦ^)
No one likes kids

Inspire Change With Leverage

(⌐O_O)
I have a concern though – some of my friends aren’t that bad, it’s just minor things like them replying slowly, not RSVP-ing, and so on

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Well, do you want them to change that?

(⌐O_O)
Well, yeah

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Well, you have a couple of choices: One is to get angry and frustrated, and lash out at them

(^ΦдΦ^)
That’ll probably just burn the bridge – which is either suboptimal or efficient, depending on who you ask

(⌐O_O)
(What would you say, Snarksy)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(I’d say the most efficient thing is to simply ignore friends who are no longer worthy of your time)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Or you can learn effective communication with books and self-development, and try to influence them to change

(^ΦдΦ^)
And maybe you’ll have more success, but a huge question is: What’s their motivation? 

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Is it cos you’re a good friend and they should value you? Well if they don’t already value you, they probably won’t suddenly start to

(^ΦдΦ^)
Or is it cos their shitty traits make ppl like them less effective in life? They’ll probably think “Fuck you, it’s my life”

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And while you try to change them, you still need to put up with their disappointing behaviour in the meantime – and why should you?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
The third way, would be to go get your new friends, build your new social circle, and live your Life 2.0 – by then, those friends who previously treated you carelessly, can see that you are a friend they should value…

(⌐O_O)
(Why?)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(You’ll have access to cool guys and cute girls and popular people and maybe even famous people, to higher-level venues and events, higher-grade merch and product…

(⌐O_O)
(You mean products?)

(^ΦдΦ^)
(No, product)

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
Yep, and also access to freebies, hookups, and solutions to a lot of your problems – not to mention, you’ll become a higher-status person in the process of getting there

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
And they’ll start watching their bullshit behaviour around you in order to get into your good graces, and to gain your favour, and hopefully access to your new and improved circle – your meh friends will start to change to suit your needs, as you are now coming from a position of power and leverage

(^ΦдΦ^)
Hopefully you can then see that your previous friends are no different than gold-diggers, and keep the ones you truly feel are worth keeping

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
(Also, this is part of the “rich get richer” phenomenon, because your high-value social circle is an asset, which after you build it, will start to generate value for you, even without you constantly having to feed it)

Next Stop: New Friends

(⌐O_O)
Ok, building a high-value social circle sounds absolutely awesome – but I have trouble even making new friends – what should I do?

( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
There will be lots of tips to come

(^ΦдΦ^)
Hub is also working on an ebook about how to build your ideal lifestyle by building your best social circle
( ﾟ∀ﾟ)
To learn about the ebook first, and to get all the tips first, sign up to the mailing list below – and for the question “What do you want to learn about”, be sure to tick “How to live your best life by building your best social circle”

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